had i the heavens' embroidered cloths,
enwrought with golden and silver light, the blue and the dim and the dark cloths of night and light and the half-light, i would spread the cloths under your feet: but i, being poor, have only my dreams; i have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.

frayed.
 

 

thefear.
2212042341.

another class outing this year. i just hope all the effort will not be wasted. after all, i have managed to get most of the teachers to come as well; but as usual they leave themselves a way out. i feel blessed to have teachers who are good friends as well, like ms ong. sometimes i don't know whether to be thankful or whether i even deserve it at all. hah. typical of me to be insecure. and so rachel's back. hmm. unfortunately she will not be staying here for long.

fatigue is my middle name at this point of time. i should be heading to smu economics. unlikely that i can afford an education overseas at this point of time, but my masters will certainly be done overseas - america. but there is still time, and we will see.

damn. i am constantly saying 'we will see'. my insecurity is no longer a minor facet but a major quirk of what i am at this point of time. i am beginning to believe that this is largely because of the clogged up pathway in me - that i have many words to say but yet i cannot say any of them, for fear of reprisals, for fear that speaking will break up the balance of the current situation - which i might put as 'an acceptable level of violence'.

and yet i still want to be alone. and yet i feel so alone - too alone. and then wish otherwise.

forget it. i am sacred, and yet profane. i am blessed, and i am cursed. i am lost and yet found. i am the irresistible force, and also the immovable object. i am half way here nor there.

do you see what i mean? i want to speak, but i cannot, and to get past this invisible yet tangible straitjacket, i speak in circles, in riddles, in rhymes. i just want to break free. and i cannot, and only even if i can, i can only do so to a selected few whom i can trust.

perhaps this is why i rarely update. i hold it in and then release it out in longer entries like this one. this blog is not like a sacred confession; it is a public one. and some things just have to be kept quiet. 

but like i told ms ong, i need some sliver of hope. quite simply because hope is the antithesis of anti-life, darkness, pain. and let's leave it at that. even if hope is more parasitic than despair at times.

 

counting sheep.
0611042038.

much time has passed since the previous update. some have asked me why, but the only answer i could give is apathy. that said, i have also been happily distracted by a white coloured machine that i have recently enquired: an xbox. spare me some slack, this is the only real console i have ever owned, if you excuse the gameboy in primary school...

things on the wider family scale have not improved much as of yet, but the jury is still out on this one. we shall have to wait and see. there is nothing much else worth mentioning, except that guard duty has been reduced - leaving me more time at home, which may not be altogether a good thing.

 

derailed.
0109042321.

tomorrow morning, at 4am, my grandmother will be put to sleep. and i still can't understand why. on the night of 29th august all was fine - she was just preparing for the customary seventh month festival offering and prayers. she complained of diarrhea and pain - and went to the toilet. what else happened i don't know. everything else is a blur and based on hearsay - stopped breathing for 10 minutes, no pulse, lips black - i don't know.

and i can't understand why. she's the healthy one - my grandfather is after all senile, diabetic and wheelchair bound. and now. i still can't understand why.

i went to the hospital yesterday, as my mother put it, 'to see her for one last time.' yet to see her like that, dead to the world, with all the machines next to her, a tube in her mouth, her eyes closed, her brown hair white at the roots betraying her age - it cuts where it hurts.

she was the glue in the fractured puzzle that is my maternal family. and now that she's gone i can only believe that this family will revert to the old feudal system of you and mes. and even now her children fight over the funeral arrangements and all that. certainly she had her flaws, but she had her endearing side as well.

my auntie says my grandfather took it better than expected, but was still shocked. my father thinks otherwise. i, however, think that there will soon be another funeral in the family.

you only appreciate things when you've lost them. i can't say i was very close to her, but she was a safe haven. she willingly offered and gave unconditional love. and now. i still cannot understand why. my grandfather and her were the only grandparents i ever really had. and now, one's a ghost in a shell, the other is soon to be gone. i wish we never had that cold war with the rest of the family. i wish i had spent more time with her. i just wish nothing of this ever happened.

but wishing will get me nowhere.

my auntie asked me if i would like to see her again later, but i'm not sure if i can take it. or should. to see a loved one passing from one side of the world to the other, that transition - i'm not sure if i can take it at all.  

 

misread.
0408042147.

i was just scanning through the second degree of friends in friendster when i stumbled upon huimin's profile. she looks so radically different, radiant, et cetera. she was one of my best friends in dunman high - you can't believe what she looked like in sec one compared to now. sadly, all that managed to do was to invoke upon me a melancholy mood - especially when i recall how we had drifted apart when i left dhs. additionally, it made me realise how isolated, apathetic, and lonely i am. not exactly lonely , but more of where one hardly ever interacts with anyone, where one purposely excuses himself from social activity. i suppose what i'm actually describing is apathy of some kind.

oh well. and below is the product of about 5 minutes of writing at my desk, after lunch. maybe this is the first of many to come.

untitled (one)
let's just say
that the paths we were forced upon
caused the ending of yesterday's memories
the intangible lines between us
were cut then; even now i can hardly see
how we were ever stuck together, glue-like
oh, we tried for a while,
but the fatigue of keeping the channel open
did no more than hasten its demise
inadvertently we polarised
you; pure as white
and i blackened black
by the trials of the other life
that had displaced the one we used to have
and by then
our grays had ceased to exist
(end)

meow. there we go. that's for you, min.

 

flyingsheep.
3007042357.

happy birthday, rach. this is the start of your 2nd decade.

had duty last night, and the feeling inside the depot was so eerie - the lights were all switched off. apparently, for the last few nights the electrical router in camp was feeling somewhat cranky. singapore power board people came in again, in what seems to be the 3rd time in 4 days.

i'm trying to gather my thoughts but there is no juice.

 

sparks.
0402042123.

it's just another normal day. or at least it feels like one. yet this is the day that signals the big two-oh. so if i would still have myself believing in the 'prophecy' i made half a decade or so ago, this would be the last year. in other words, now i'll just only be waiting (no, hoping) for the last good day of the year.

now exploring the possibility of attending a university in minnesota, where i can stay with my cousin's family. unfortunately, in the american system, one has to obtain a science degree and then apply for medical school. time will be a-wasted. my number one choice is still sydney, university of new south wales. i skipped the smu interview, actually, just because. because i did not feel ready. not at all ready for the interview. there we go, my fear, my cowardice.

somewhat apprehensive about my posting - hey, i'm still a slave to the nation, at least for the next year and a half, where i'll have a reprieve of about 4 years. and then serve the remaining time debt. but everything seems to be pretty good, actually. play by ear, darling. play by ear.

 

hallelujah.
2701042159.

it's astonishing. beginning to feel that at least i'm attaining some inner peace - a refreshing change, especially after about a decade's worth of inner flux. currently reading bertrand russell's why i am not a christian - seeking the truth on both sides - and my aunt has promised to get me a bible. i believe it's just a precursor for another period of personal growth. i'm beginning to enjoy simplicity - it's just less taxing.