had i the heavens' embroidered cloths,
enwrought with golden and silver light, the blue and the dim and the dark cloths of night and light and the half-light, i would spread the cloths under your feet: but i, being poor, have only my dreams; i have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.




what more can be said? another year over, another period closer to freedom of mind. seriously thinking about the future again. but as countless people have said before, i do that much too often.

had a long talk with rach a few nights back. yes, she is back in singapore. no, she has not completed her degree. yes, she is on holiday. it really is nice to have a very best friend around to talk to - just pick up the phone and dial. though the truth is, we both know that things are not very possible in any way. save for a nearly impossible change that should never happen. talking about everything under the sun should be much more like this... thanks, rach. thanks for listening, especially when it feels like no one else really does.

the problem is, of course, no closer to being solved.

you broke me, linn. it's all in my head.


there we go. exams, over - 2 weeks and a half ago. results have been fine. should not nit pick over grading styles and systems - but as for worthless modules such as twc i have nothing to offer but scorn.

post exam celebration chalet was actually a much better success this time. what was it? 60+ freshly exam-liberated smu year 2 students (oh fine, add 2 year 1s...) in one chalet hidden in some ulu-ated corner of changi, with 2 sprinklings of academia in profs winston and massi. pictures at spencer's and justiny's blogs. learnt plenty from it. not sure if i will do another next term, though i foresee it'll be done.

surviving cold turkey particularly well. reduce the reliance. less exposure equates to less pain. and as for the other thing... i probably should not have asked about it - simply just complicates matters in a way that would break apart the blissful monotony that exists now. sorry. then again, the multitude of options makes everything much more complicated.

alea jacta est.

should also do more work, but have not been bothered to actually start on preparation for anything at all. have not thought of the annual jc class outing either. have to find out how many hours i have clocked and left to go. pity linnea is leaving awwa fsc - wonder who and what the replacement executive will be like. have also borrowed 3 krugman books from the library. wake up and read.

i suppose i am just waiting for the planes to land at changi airport still. so many friends have left for holidays that the msn list sometimes feels so ... empty.

sigh. linn.


wens!. happy birthday, you fool. amazing concept planned by theo - the first time i have ever seen such a large convoy of cars from our circle of friends. i hope it was a great surprise. the cake, the mystery call out in the middle of the night, the supper, et al.



'and then he paused, in the middle of the sentence, not knowing what else to write. the window let in the first rays of light - instinctively, he shifted further away. what more could he say? things felt broken as they were to him; nothing more could be done, as they were. he was getting used to it - he always fell for the right person - but at the wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong way. things were cold now. he wasn't sure he wanted to see her any more - not when she didn't even seem like she was happy to see him. yet then, what use would it be if she did not even wish to have these memories to share? where did he even stand? he knew nothing of these. he remained convinced that she no longer wished to talk to him, to see him, to listen to him. he felt certain that he was unimportant to her. those dreams under her feet, trampled into nothing but dust.

and then, the sun came up brighter, through the window. he flinched, feeling unready in the scrutiny of light. with or without, it was still unbearably, disarmingly wrong. but what more could he do? why would she care? he could move the world, and still feel certain that she would ignore all that he had done. he would try to erase her, but she would appear even more often. then, he turned away from the window, and lowered the blinds, and settled in the darkness, struggling to find the total darkness sublime. he never had the strength to write these last words to her, like neruda did.'

and i... understood how he felt.

'the more i try to erase you the more the more the more that you appear...'
thom yorke / the eraser

have to forget, but she hangs inside the soul forever.


let's face it. the weeks have passed by and it still would not make a difference either way. must the temperature always be so low? i wonder if it was ever meant to be. like they all tell me: it's the wrong person. last week, i woke up twice, at the neither-here-nor-there timing of 0600. and fell promptly back to sleep, and immediately was assaulted by nightmares which left me very much muted and off balance. who starred? we know who.

and then. having fun as a finance ta. prof jeremy has been really very nice. school is still alright, but the slew of projects coming up should and will worry me. have not read a book in a long time - months, in fact. no time. not like i am in the mood for it, if you think about it.

waiting for the holidays. the chalet, rachel coming back to singapore, learning sas from prof, time to read, time to play. what else could make life better then? like how i responded to lacey's query whether i wanted anything (from the coffeeshop) while in the library today: many things, but many things i cannot have.

had the ice cream focus group in school today. messy, but fun. i insist that cheese with crackers in vanilla ice cream is divine. still cannot fathom how peilee actually likes having orh nee with vanilla ice cream. more worrying is how the concept doesn't seem to be that exciting to our participants.

still. without my friends, how much more stable could i be? had dinner with tianyu tonight, and it was talking cock session numero uncountable. thanks too, to jen, lacey, geeyong, lingo, and others. perhaps what they say makes sense, but till now, my hands cannot let go, drawn to their straws. just look at the keychain.

心情真正有影寒 风这大.



taken a leap of faith. not just one, actually, but many, over the past couple of months. however, still struggling to understand what i am actually doing. i can prepare for months, for weeks, for days, and everything will still come to naught - which feels so out of place, out of sync with everything else, where effort would equate to a proper result. but this, after all, is not a rational world we live in. frustration boils over. wwyc?

i suppose, i could and/or should give up on this possibly pointless dream of mine, but i will not. i hear, and understand what everyone is saying to me, but the truth is, i will not let go of this dream until it is finally extinguished, until it is complete, or until everything ends up in ruin.

'look upon my works, and despair...'



last night was absolutely brilliant. went for prof jeremy's seminar in corporate finance on his invitation - the masters students are all friendly. and non-competitive, which is like a breath of fresh air really... maybe because i am not competing for their grades, but i rather not be uncharitable. also finally managed to get a teaching assistant position for one of prof jeremy's classes. would also like to thank yves and daniel for being the best partners i could have had for my finance project - i would have been lost without them.

term 3b has, to a certain extent, changed my life. previously i knew i wanted to do finance; basically only for the reason that it would probably be lucrative. now, though, i want to know what makes these things tick, and if possible, find something new that explains these mechanisms... looking forward to the next lesson on thursday night.

otherwise, though, i am not so sure. game theory will be likely to kill. business law should be fine, but there is so much to read and remember i cannot feel certain about it. financial accounting should be fine - will have to see what whether the freshmen in my group are up for it. twc is the worst and most headache-inducing module. marketing is tough to judge, because it is rather commonsensical - looks can be deceiving, no? these are the tests that have been set, and the obstacles i have to hurdle across.

and for now, i feel so much more settled. i am still learning, i am still a work in progress. i know the things i want, and i am striving to achieve them. hopefully this term will not kill me. i know my heart better now, thank you, lord. i still cannot say for sure i can/have allowed him into my heart, but i can feel his presence beginning to grow.

feeling much better overall. thanks to those who helped me the most, through the darkness that was the past couple of months: lace, lingo, teckwee, geeyong, and spence. let us not speak too much of it, lest it comes again, too soon. remember the words of joshua 1:9.

i still. know. who i want. to take me home. for certain.



'anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. so anyone who's in love gets sad when they think of their lover. it's like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven't seen in a long time. it's only a natural feeling.'
haruki murakami / kafka on the shore

another day, another shard of mirror broken, another reason why i can never let go of these chains.



... all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter.

nothing much has really happened or changed. started summer school, mugged and am still mugging my way through finance. went to cecil's farewell party, hope he enjoys virginia. life is still a crown of thorns. i find myself still unable to decide which one of my two priorities should be numero uno, mainly because there's one there that screams so loud within me, even if it shouldn't. all i can tell you is how much i want to achieve both. i just wish i could be so much less insecure, but let's leave it as it is.

a simple question, a fleeting glance. all you need is a little spark to light the fire.



... but the damage is irreversible.

the simple and succinct reason as to why i have not updated in a long while is this: there is nothing to blog about, unless you feel that the repeated visits to various libraries all over singapore, the (useless) bidding seminar, the sadly under-represented smu 'class' dinner, or even the packing of the matriculation files for, well, the incoming freshmen, all to be wholly interesting in at least some parts. and let's not even mention bidding for courses in boss.

so who is to say that holidays are fun? on a book-related note, do check out david mitchell's black swan green. rather delightful book, and for once he isn't ripping off haruki murakami. zadie smith's white teeth was disappointing, and khalid hosseini's kite runner was okay to read, but not exactly thrilling.

so. i have come to realise, after imploding on thursday night / friday morning, that i cannot be too dependent. there are other variables that should be brought into play in life. my emotional and mental stability should not be shaken that horribly by such little earthquakes. but then again, perhaps i have grown complacent. after all, i have not sunk to such depths in a long time. i could and would apologise, especially to those who tried to help, but... i no longer have the ability to calm myself - that was lost long ago from lack of practice. the abyss is beckoning. maybe that's why i used to be staunchly pessimistic, so i would never be disappointed. unfortunately the virus of optimism leaked in somewhere. so here the levees are rebuilt, awaiting the next katrina.

a lesson is learned, but the damage... irreversible.



went to marine parade library today. a rather evil place. have only been there... twice before, and was rather confused at the arrangement of the place. why have a separate section for hardcover books? why is jeffery deaver in the juvenile section?

went there with a shortlist of 4 books, and left with only deaver's the coffin dancer. terry pratchett's thud! was there, according to the system. search ground floor. not there. not on the second floor. so, ask counter staff. 'oh, it should be there.' look again. look again. no. ask again. 'oh, it must be misplaced.' thanks. so, the infuriating streak continues; it's been 3 years (i think) since thud! was made available in the library, and due to the relatively low number of copies (especially when compared with the number of copies of khalid hosseini's kite runner that are available in the whole library system!) and the constant high demand for pratchett's books, i have been left unable (still) to get my hands on a copy to read.

as i was about to leave the library, i found david mitchell's black swan green in the new arrivals section. have been looking forward to this book for quite a while, and it has only just been released. that alone made the trip worth it.

on the walk to parkway parade... the modules?! what kind of a name for a condo is that? sign up here for ACCT101, ECON203...


not really a good day, but it was alright. still counting down the days.



hey. life's been slow, actually. new things come and go, but some things ... linger. in the past one month, have considered taking on quantitative finance, have decided to largely ignore the world cup in favour of the other one in france next year, had a first taste of what handball is like when you actually play it, had my first macdonald's milkshake(s) in many years, finally started reading again, and (after a mammoth effort) begun writing my paper. other than that, well. the much awaited for sushi lunch did not come to fruition since yanling begged for mercy on behalf of her wallet. had dinner with yilinn this week, as well as lunch with dex and yong. just some things that help break the monotony of life that is the holidays. money has been going out, but not in, but i do hope that job offer really materialises.

i have no wisdom to offer but to myself. don't think too far, too much, too deep. if things go the way you want them to, just simply be thankful.



'everything changes, but nothing is truly lost.'

been reassessing my life lately, thinking about what i actually do want to accomplish. most of my friends know i have two dreams, especially the one about academia, but not that many know about the other one, which is better left unsaid for now. then there are hopes. hopes that are smaller scale, more achievable targets, like a lay up instead of a shot from beyond the arc. they do seem more like wants, however. like going to himeji castle, climbing to the top of mount fuji, visiting jade stadium and watching a match or two; same for goodison park. learning piano, tenor sax, drums, bass. learning latin, spanish, french, german.

and so on and so forth. learning latin (honest) now. relearning french, lost touch with it. have other things in mind, things that blur the edges of my vision, and am just... in a sentimental mood.

and i still know who i want to take me home.



the holidays have started, and i am bored. nothing much has been going on actually. organised a chalet last sunday. thanks to my fellow organisers yanling, spencer, geeyong and kim, although kim could not come in the end. photos are available at justiny and spence's blogs.

have not been able to really start reading, and results have not been satisfactory. but i should not mope. just have to work just as hard as yanlingo (crazy, that one) has this term, next term. as long as i get to do the things i want to do.

in another week, elections. nothing to say about that.



i now feel, with increasing confidence, that i know who all this is for, what all this is leading to, and why i do the things i do. it just takes time.

finals soon. holidays coming but i know not what i will be doing at all. have faith. finished ishiguro's never let me go, and it is an astounding book. other than that life is nothing much. but it's been a good week.



'God breathes through us so completely...
so gently we hardly feel it... yet,
it is our everything.'
a love supreme / john coltrane

after reading ashley kahn's tome on the production of a love supreme and how the record came to be, the meaning of the entire suite changed dramatically for me. listen to it, and be awed. acknowledgement, resolution, pursuance, psalm.

i vaguely recall a quote in the book, accredited to coltrane's mother, about how worried she was that coltrane had begun to be more spiritual: something along the lines of 'if he has begun to acknowledge God, then he is about to meet God.' in other words, she thought that he was about to die. and she was right, in a way. 3 years after a love supreme was released, john coltrane passed away due to liver disease.

becoming more and more tired of life. like somehow, i just don't wish to struggle anymore. there's this strong sensation, and a growing belief, that i am dying inside. almost nothing motivates me at this moment, i wonder if it's just fatigue, or something more permanent. i cannot quantify it, nor explain it - it just feels like parts of me are just crumbling off. it's not thanatos - the drive to die - because it just doesn't feel that strong. more like a wave, slowly coming in, and pulling back, bit by bit...

let's just put it down to fatigue.

starting on my new reading habit; to actually write down / type meaningful phrases, passages, whatever from fiction that i have read. beginning with haruki murakami first, of course. oh, and kazuo ishiguro's never let me go was actually available in the library. in my hands, now, and it is quite a masterpiece...

i am just tired.



just got back from yilinn's 21st birthday celebration. congratulations, yilinn, for you are now legally able to vote, though i doubt any of the opposition parties will contest your grc.

stats was crappy, but there's nothing i can do about it now. the midterm break is next, but i doubt it will be any different from the normal schedule - projects beckon, and macro is still such a headache worthy module.

have not been reading much due to the time constraints, but hopefully there will be time: i must finish blue blood (edward conlon) by hook or by crook next week...



at least there were people. after hasty arranging my birthday dinner (last night) the night before, i certainly could not expect many to turn up. jon came, but could not stay for dinner. thanks to (in order of arrival, as far as my memory remains) jon, calvin, jianming, yanling, yongrui, james, moses, waihon, wenduan, yilinn, geeyong, kwanyee.

another year of existence, another year of aspirations. to live without fear, to seize chances. to fulfil my dreams. to know what it feels like to be alive.

and i still know who i want to take me home.

'have i not commanded you? be strong and courageous. do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.'
joshua 1:9 / niv



school is good. at last there's an aim, a purpose, some kind of target to align myself towards. creative thinking is so subjective it hurts. bgs looks like it will be fun. macro should be okay. analytical skills is quite hard. stats is maths, maths, maths. yet everything is so very unsure because the requirements of basically almost every module this term is so subjective.

read quite a bit over the holidays; mostly michael connelly. now going into hanif kureishi. the only problem is time. no time to read everything. finally got my hands on moneyball by michael lewis.

i just need more time and space to think. getting involved with awwa, i think. near home. good, i guess, because i will get out more often. read, read, all the signs. read. and don't go paranoid on me.